Craving Connection in a World of Instant Gratification
By: Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)
I like to unwind with reruns of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, that satirical hour somehow makes everything feel a little better.
One episode featured a spoof on black-market Canadian maple syrup, comparing it to a drug cartel. The mock reporter—adamantly syrup-free—feared one taste would spiral him into addiction, crime, and sticky ruin. Naturally, he caved. The next thing you know: endless pancakes, missed work, shady street deals, and a full-blown syrup bender.
I laughed out loud—then turned to my dog and said, “Damn, I wouldn’t mind some pancakes with syrup. Do we have any King Syrup?”
King Syrup is the good stuff—thick, rich, slow to pour. My dad used to beg me to smuggle bottles down to Florida. You can’t get it there. He gets it. I get it. We’re syrup people.
That night, I resisted. I had toast with peanut butter and milk in a blue Solo cup. Later, I played a few rounds of Bubble Mania, freeing kittens from bubbles (usually gratifying). But not that night. My mind was stuck on syrup.
At 6:00 a.m., I woke up with one clear thought: Pancakes.
I made a stack—instant mix, just add water. Three golden-brown discs with butter, warm and waiting. I pushed my work aside and gave them my full attention.
With reverence, I poured the King Syrup (not Canadian, but Fredonia, NY—close enough?) and let it soak in. Not too long—you don’t want soggy regret. Then I ate, slowly, trying to channel the reporter’s syrup high.
It didn’t work.
What I got was 1,000 empty calories and the gnawing feeling that this wasn’t it. Not really.
And then it hit me: What I wanted wasn’t pancakes or syrup. I wanted joy. I wanted connection. To feel loved, valued, seen. Maybe even touched. Perhaps even… sex. Or intimacy. Or something that told me I mattered.
Sometimes, we crave comfort and reach for what’s easy—food, TV, a distraction—because it almost satisfies. It promises to fill the hole but leaves us emptier than before. We make choices that don’t serve us, not because we’re broken, but because we’re human and hungry for something deeper.
The mind is tricky. Needs unfulfilled will find a workaround, even a ridiculous one. That Colbert sketch planted a seed. Logically, I knew pancakes weren’t the answer. But that night, syrup made sense.
Is it any wonder our behavior can get a little wacky? That we gravitate toward something—or someone—that offers relief, even when we know better?
What if we could pause in those moments and ask, “Is this really what I need?”
What if we could yell STOP before that instant gratification derails something deeper?
If you find yourself elbow-deep in pancakes and still feeling empty, it might be time to ask what you’re really craving. And maybe—just maybe—you’ll find a healthier, richer, more lasting way to feed that hunger.
When Life Isn’t What You Dreamed: How to Reconnect with Your True Needs and Wants
Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)
(3-minute read)
At some point, nearly everyone looks back on life and wonders, How did I get here? What happened to the dreams, the plans, the “could have beens” and “should have beens”?
The answer is simple to say—but often hard to accept: For the most part, we made choices that brought us to where we are now.
That’s not to say we chose the traumas, losses, or catastrophes that blindsided us. No one chooses to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or thrown into crisis. But the choices we make afterward—the way we respond, the paths we follow—those decisions shape our journey.
And when our choices take us further from the dreams we once had, we start to feel unbalanced, unsatisfied, or even angry.
Why Do We Make the Choices We Do?
Most of us choose what we think is best at the time. A child throws a tantrum to get candy, believing it will work. An adult gives the silent treatment over forgotten flowers, hoping to “teach a lesson” and feel valued next time.
Sometimes we make reactive choices. Other times, we simply lack the information or emotional tools to choose differently.
Take the example of a teen from a broken home who joins a gang. From the outside, it’s clearly not in his best interest. But with the limited knowledge and options he sees, it’s the closest thing to a family—offering belonging, respect, and protection.
The “Quality World” We All Carry
As we grow, we create a personal picture of what our ideal life looks like—our Quality World. In this internal landscape, all our needs and wants are met. We feel safe, loved, successful, joyful.
Ideally, we spend our lives making choices that move us closer to that picture. But if we don’t fully understand our needs and wants—or the options available to us—we may veer off course.
And here’s the truth: Your ideal picture is probably a fantasy. But beneath that fantasy lies something very real—your core needs and desires.
A Practical Example
Let’s say your Quality World includes owning a Maserati. But in reality, you’re driving a rusty old Ford.
You probably can’t buy the Maserati—but ask yourself why you want it. Maybe it symbolizes success, admiration, adventure, freedom. Maybe what you really want is to feel noticed, valued, alive.
When we understand the why beneath the fantasy, we can start finding real-world ways to fulfill those needs—without waiting on an impossible dream.
How to Align Your Life with What You Truly Need
Step 1: Discover the “why” behind your fantasy. Use your imagination. If there were no limits—what would your life look like? What does that dream say about what you truly want? (Example: “I want to be on a football team” → “I want belonging, excitement, shared purpose.”)
Step 2: Explore realistic substitutes. You may not become a surgeon—but can you volunteer with the Red Cross? Become a first aid officer? Help people in ways that still honor your deeper needs?
Step 3: Examine your current choices. Are they aligned with your needs and wants—or taking you further away from them?
Step 4: (Corrected numbering) Take small steps toward a better fit. Set short- and long-term goals. Think of these goals as your rudders—they help steer your ship, even when waters are rough.
Step 5: Evaluate regularly. Ask yourself:
What do I truly want and need?
What am I doing to get it?
Is it working?
What could I do differently?
Final Thoughts
You may never have the exact life you imagined—but you can build a life that meets your real needs, a life that feels meaningful, grounded, and authentic.
It’s never too late to rewrite your story, one intentional choice at a time.
Many people live with chronic mental health conditions—depression, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, and more. These are real, brain-changing diagnoses that often require medication and therapy just to maintain a sense of “normal.” For some, the illness is severe enough that the old normal no longer applies. They’re left to build a new one from scratch.
The same is true for those facing chronic or life-altering physical illness. They too must learn how to cope, adapt, and find a new way forward.
I live with CPTSD, depression, and anxiety. Over the years—both personally and professionally—I’ve seen a pattern: we often see ourselves as broken pieces of china, trying desperately to glue the fragments back together. But at the same time, we treat ourselves like disposable red Solo cups—crushed under the weight of perceived failure, the loss of a “normal” life, self-blame, and anger toward ourselves, others, the universe, even God.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
We deserve better from ourselves. Healing is hard enough. Beating yourself up will only make it harder.
If life has chipped or cracked your fine china, you have every right to grieve. You have every right to mend. But stop letting yourself—or others—treat you like a crushed plastic cup.
Here are some ways to start reclaiming your worth:
Know your limitations—and respect them. Boundaries aren’t weakness; they’re wisdom.
Create a safe space. Whether physical or emotional, make a place where you’re untouchable.
Practice stress reduction. Listen to music. Meditate. Read. Walk in nature. Do what calms your nervous system.
Pay attention to your self-talk. Are you your own worst enemy? Are you constantly angry, hopeless, or stuck in shame?
Spend time with supportive people. Seek out those who lift you up, not tear you down.
Explore a spiritual practice. Remind yourself that you are more than this moment, this diagnosis, or this body. There is a bigger picture—and you are a meaningful part of it, even if you don’t fully see it yet.
You are not broken. You are fine china—fragile, perhaps, but still beautiful. Still valuable. Still worth protecting.
The Show Must Go On: Children Using Perfectionism & Performance to Cope with Trauma.
by: Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)
Anna, age four, and Michael, age two (children’s names and ages were changed), were found in their home surrounded by blood and the dead bodies of their parents. At first, everyone understood the devastation these children experienced. Then there came a point where the notoriety wore off, and they were expected to act and feel like they behaved before—only they didn’t. They became super-kids—children who use perfection and performance to cope with trauma.
(I need to make two caveats. Trauma can be from a messy divorce, a close death in the family, or severe illness of the child or a parent, or a terrible car accident. The list can go on and on. The second, not everyone who becomes a performer or perfectionist has trauma in their background.)
Super-kids are children who try to be overly helpful, compliant, or high-achieving to avoid upsetting someone, attempt to gain control of a situation, or feel safe and valued. They tend to take on adult roles or act older than their age, often described as having an old soul. They hide their emotions, appearing fine when inside they are struggling.
How does using perfectionism and performing help the child cope?
1. It offers control in a chaotic world, rather than feeling helpless.
2. In many environments, love and safety feel conditional. A child may learn that being good, impressive, or entertaining earns approval or protection.
3. Performance and perfectionism can provide a powerful distraction from pain.
4. Instead of feeling inherently unworthy, they learn to find value in performance.
5. They give the impression that the child can prevent anything from going wrong by staying ahead of the potential threat.
6. They give the child the feeling that they can control how others perceive them.
I want to emphasize that a child does not consciously choose which skills are necessary to survive. And the behaviors may not initially appear to be performance or perfection coping skills.
What a child wants is to feel safe, protected, and loved. They will do what they need to do, be it perfectionism or performance, to achieve that. The super-kid, is the one nobody expects to be ravaged with internal turmoil.
Important note: Trauma affects each child differently based on age, personality, support system, and type/duration of trauma. One child might act out aggressively; another might become extremely quiet and withdrawn. All trauma responses are adaptations—they made sense at the time the trauma occurred.
References for this blog:
Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, Diane Poole Heller, The Power of Attachment, Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts, Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery
The world right now feels unpredictable. We’re flooded daily with news—some real, some not—that stirs up anger, helplessness, depression, and anxiety. At the same time, life marches on. We celebrate birthdays, plan weddings, cherish family moments, and get promotions—while wars rage, politics divide, and personal struggles like job loss or divorce quietly unfold behind the scenes.
It may seem counterintuitive, but finding happiness amid turmoil isn’t denial—it’s survival. It’s not forgetting what’s happening or pretending to be unaffected. It’s more like holding an umbrella in a storm or finding the strength to lift your hand above rising waters.
Happiness, in times like these, becomes a quiet act of resistance. Here are 15 ways to cultivate it—even when the world feels heavy:
Smile more. Find joy in simple moments and the people around you.
Take breaks from the news and social media. Constant exposure fuels stress and fear.
Stay connected. Nurture relationships and activities that uplift you.
Give generously. Compliments, kindness, and small gestures go a long way.
Acknowledge your feelings. Journal, move your body, or channel your emotions into purpose.
Challenge negative self-talk. When your inner critic speaks up, reframe the message.
Let go of hate. Hatred solves nothing—it only poisons the vessel that carries it.
Stop living in the past. Release the “should haves” and “what ifs.”
Immerse yourself in music. Let it lift, heal, or energize you.
Nourish your spirit. Whatever your beliefs, cultivate a deep spiritual life.
Don’t assume or judge. You can’t read minds, and you never know someone else’s story.
Prioritize self-care. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Declutter your space. A clear environment helps create a clearer mind.
Get good sleep. Rest isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity.
Step into nature. Even a brief walk can reset your soul.
Life is complicated, but within the chaos, we can choose moments of peace, joy, and connection. The goal isn’t to ignore what’s hard—it’s to find the light that helps us move through it.
I have a demon that sits on my shoulder. Its name is They. I didn’t realize it was there for years, but it’s been whispering to me all along— They won’t like that. They think you’ll fail. They said it can’t be done. It’s insidious, cunning, even charming. And it’s a liar.
Perhaps, you’ve encountered this demon as well. I’ve seen it cling to friends, family, and clients. I often recognize its voice in others before I hear it in myself. It’s sneaky like that.
The demon “They” is a master of disguise. It whispers through the voices of others: “You’re wrong. You’re worthless. Everyone thinks you’re a joke.” It can play pitcher and batter in the same game—stirring conflict, self-doubt, and shame.
But here’s the truth: there is no demon. It’s your inner voice telling you these things, and if you are not careful, that voice will convince you to think, say, or do just about anything.
So how do you fight back?
Identify the voice within. Notice when thoughts shift, when shame creeps in, when lies feel like truth. It may have started out as someone else telling you these things, but now it’s you.
Refuse to obey. You have a choice. Don’t swallow every voice that speaks.
Replace the lies. Speak truth aloud. Write it on notes. Practice love toward yourself. Do it daily. Do it loudly.
Choose your people. If others live by their demons, either strengthen your armor—or walk away.
Because in the end, the demon They only wins if we forget the source.
I’ve said before that ALL BEHAVIOR (Everything you think, feel, and do) is based on your experiences, perceptions, and your deepest needs.
We all have the same needs, but in different degrees. Someone may have strong love and belonging needs while another has strong survivalist needs.
To understand your behaviors, figure out which universal need is your strongest. In doing so, you can get an ah-ha about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. In doing this, you can open yourself up to new experiences and understanding to hopefully make healthy choices in your life to get your need(s) met. You can have more than one strong need.
EVERYONE HAS THE SAME NEEDS IN DIFFERENT DEGREES
Love and belonging
Power
Freedom
Fun
Survival
Purpose in life (spiritual)
Below are examples of behaviors you might see in someone with a high degree of need in a specific area. See if you can find yourself. Beside each behavior, place a number based on whether it fits you. At the end of each section, count up the points and see in what order your universal needs stack up. (These are ONLY SOME examples of typical behaviors)
Scoring:
1 = Not me at all
2 = Maybe relates to me but very rarely
3 = Relates to me but only under certain circumstances
4 = I do this more often than not
5 = This is me, no question
LOVE AND BELONGING
Enjoys social activities
Cooperative with others
Likes to belong to clubs, groups, community events
Seeks out friendships
Family is very important
Craves intimacy
Self esteem derived from what others think of them
Feel lonely and/or depressed if not involved in a greater cause or group
Strives to please others
Puts others needs before their own
Has many friends
Teacher’s/boss’s pet
Tends to be affectionate
More likely to be a follower then leader
Strives to find others needs and to fill them
High need to be liked by others
Hard time saying NO
Purpose in life is in ability to help others
POWER
High achiever
Competitive
Desires recognition for achievements/ skills
Strong will for self-worth
Needs to win at games
Needs to feel correct
Pride in completing challenging goals
Enjoys being highly skilled
Need to dominate situations/and or people
Over achiever
Involvement in political/social activist activities
Aggression
Involvement in behaviors that make the person feel stronger/invincible (excessive drinking, fighting, risk taking behaviors)
Wants to be influential
Need to be affiliated with other people at the top of their game
Desires to gain higher education to feel better about self
Sexually aggressive
Gives up family/friends to climb their career ladder
Has a hard time being told they are wrong
Prefers independent sports as opposed to team sports
FREEDOM
Desire to make their own choices
Does not want responsibilities to tie them down
Does not like to listen to people in authority
Strives to be their true selves regardless of consequence
Does not want to make commitments
Does not give in to peer pressure
Independent
Likes to choose their own path
Likes to be seen as outside the box
Likes to keep their opinions open and not make decisions
Craves spontaneity
Enjoy independent thinking and creativity
Not satisfied with other’s answers, needs to find things out on their own
Restrictions make them restless
Likes to be self-sufficient
Bores easy with daily routines
Relates to other’s needs for freedom
Creative expressionism
Does not do well maintaining or seeing need for planning
FUN
Likes to throw parties
Craves the energy of new/adventurous things
Likes to be around other people with common interests
Can be indiscriminate
Pleasure centered
Easily bored with daily routines
Does not take self/life too seriously
Enjoys playing but does not need to be competitive
Humorous
Willing to break tradition for fun, excitement, joy
Searches for humorous things/people/events
Can bore easily in long term relationships
Likes to travel to learn and experience new things
Creative for pleasure and not for completion of a project
Craves originality
Does not like confrontation
Enjoys learning in nontraditional ways
Can be seen as always on the go
Enjoyment of life is seen as most important
SURVIVAL
Fears for the future
Stores or hordes food/water/survival tools
Low trust of others/government
Fears losing their freedoms
Needs to feel prepared for anything
Typically very tense
Fears the unknown
Very observant
Instinctive
Self efficient
Can become impulsive, aggressive is threat of survival is challenged
Can be considered primitive in thinking/living (so busy concern about surviving all else is put to the side)
Strong ego, pits self against others
Can be seen as greedy
Needs things to be predictable to feel safe
Sees threats where others do not
Often intolerant of differences in other people or ways of living
Can have conspiracy based thinking
Feels insecure/anxious inside
PURPOSE DRIVEN (SPIRITUALITY)
Desires to be closer in relationship with higher being/power/element
Explores self/meaning of life
Needs purpose in life to feel whole
Can become judgmental and self-righteous
Can be religious/external doctrine focused
Can fears doing the wrong thing or for the wrong reason
Can be existential and altruistic
May break from tradition to explore other cultural spiritual practices
Maybe willing to give up much to gain spiritual wisdom
May have complex rituals of behavior to feel closer to a higher power or their true being
May seek out paranormal experiences or classify experiences as miracles, demonic or other worldly
May refuse to conform to society norm of religious or doctrine related thoughts, dictates
Can be more tolerant of differences in people and cultures then average person
May have experienced one or more profound mystical, paranormal or other worldly event
May seek out others who share similar experiences or views of life and/or a higher power
May seek and find spiritual values/meaning in life based on nature/science
May engage in experimental/chemical/risk taking behaviors to find a feelings of nirvana or out of body experience
Attempts to fill voids in life/past through higher thoughts/learning/spiritual education/practice
May extend need for meaning of one’s life to reason and causation for universe and life in general
Total scores:
Love and Belonging: _________
Power: _________
Freedom: __________
Fun: ___________
Survival: ____________
Purpose of Life (Spirituality): __________
Ask someone close to you to take the same quiz and compare the results. It may help explain why you gravitated toward them or why there are conflicts between the two of you.
Let’s say you have a strong love and belonging and someone else has a strong freedom need. Can you see how these two people might have misunderstandings and conflicts? Once you know the needs, why the person chooses the behaviors they do, it gives an opportunity to communicate to find a common ground that meets both needs.
** Information based on the work of Dr. William Glasser
I’ve been breaking down basic rules for healthy relationships. In Part 3 we looked at identifying our NEEDS. Now we need to explore our WANTS.
Ask someone what they want and often they can give you a very quick definitive answer. But is that answer REALLY what they want?
I can say, “I want chocolate chip cookies.” This sounds simple enough; however, it really isn’t. In this particular case, I’m watching television and I’m anxious about a meeting I’m having in the morning. I’m not hungry or deprived of sweets but chocolate chip cookies are what hits me that I want.
Knowing what I know about myself and human behavior, I know chocolate chip cookies are not really what I want. I don’t want the calories or the mess of making them. I’m not hungry. So, I start to dissect this WANT. Broken down, it looked like this:
I want chocolate chip cookies, more specifically
I want chocolate, more specifically
I want to stop feeling anxious, more specifically
I want to not go to this meeting tomorrow, more specifically
I want to feel I have more control over the outcome of tomorrow’s meeting, more specifically
I want to feel more confident in my ability to handle the unknown of tomorrow’s meeting
Why is this important to me? Because I see myself as self-reliant, intelligent and due to my past, I have a strong need to feel in control. When I get into situations where I can’t be or do these, I get anxious and feel out of balance. I need to do something to feel back into balance.
As I’m watching TV, my brain jumps to the old stand-by, carbohydrates! They are the building blocks of changing the body chemistry for a short period of time. Will chocolate chip cookies help me feel self-reliant, intelligent and in control? NO! They will only make me feel fatter and give me more dishes to clean. Making and eating chocolate chip cookies is a horrible plan to get my needs and wants met. It’s time to plan another strategy. Instead of cooking and eating chocolate chip cookies, I can take that energy and plan a healthier way to prepare for this meeting.
When you know your real wants, you can better evaluate what behaviors you are choosing to accomplish your want. So, step one is to EXPLORE what your REAL WANT is. Step two is to EVALUATE if the behaviors you are choosing will get you closer to that goal. Step three, if the answer to step two is no, INVESTIGATE other options. Get more information. Think about in the past, what you might have done that did work in a similar situation. Step four, make a PLAN and follow through.
In my case, I had to address the demons in my thinking. I had to explore the negative images and thoughts I was allowing to run amok in my brain. My poor body was only reacting to my thoughts. The result was anxiety and the desire to feel better through food. I also had to relax, journal and start saying a positive mantra.
Patterns of behavior do not change overnight, but you have to start somewhere. I was still anxious, but much more in control of me, feeling more self-reliant because I took the steps and therefore feeling more intelligent and back in balance.
If your behavior (thinking, feeling or acting) does not get a need met or a want achieved, a re-evaluation is in order. More than likely, what you think you want is only the surface-want or you are using the wrong behaviors to get you there. Dig a little deeper and do the steps.
It’s been about two months since I last wrote. The Restless Wanderer was traveling for three weeks and came back with a fairly significant upper respiratory infection. This rolled into creating a Halloween display for 800 children, making a video for a reunion party, and doing a major rewrite on a manuscript. Now, here it is two weeks before Thanksgiving and I’m wondering where the year went.
About three months ago I was interviewed for a local magazine asking how to deal with holiday stress. The reporter asked the usual questions that I think anybody can find the answers to if they look under a leaf. Eat properly, get enough sleep and exercise. I think the top piece of advice would be WATCH YOUR EXPECTATIONS. The first part of watching your expectations is to understand what you’re doing and why. That brings us to a mini history lesson.
The topic is Thanksgiving. Do you know why we celebrate Thanksgiving? Do you know why you celebrate Thanksgiving the way you do?
According to the book, Thanksgiving: The biography of American Holiday, the original holiday, in 1620, lasted three days and consisted of fasting, humility, prayer and a feast on the last day.
Prior to this, it was common tradition to set aside a day for giving thanks to God. There were days for giving thanks (Thanksgiving) in all the first colonies, in Native American traditions and in Europe. Standards or protocols for how to give thanks and when varied.
In school, thanksgiving teaches us about the English settlement called the Massachusetts Bay Colony, now known as Plimouth (yes that is the correct spelling) and about the Pilgrims. I think the average American believes we celebrate thanksgiving to commemorate the goodwill between the Native Americans and the Pilgrims the first winter in 1621. I wonder how many realize it started out as a somber religious experience.
According to Plimouth Plantation historians, the holiday was ratified by the Constitutional Congress but the date varied state by state. When the Civil War broke out, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving as a national holiday to help reunite the country. He actually wanted two thanksgivings a year; one in remembrance for Gettysburg to be held the third Thursday in November and the other a more general occasion. The day was designed as a day for praying for the orphans, widows and aid for our war torn country. There was no special meal or tradition.
We can thank Franklin D. Roosevelt for deciding the date of Thanksgiving. Surprisingly, you can say he is also the father of Black Friday. He tied Thanksgiving to the traditional Christmas season so there could be more Christmas shopping which would help the economy. The year was 1941.
The time between Lincoln and Roosevelt in how we celebrated Thanksgiving is not very clear to me. It does look like in the north, people started having large family dinners and many in the south had no idea about the holiday. I think what people did, how they did it and what they ate was very much individualized.
Wait a minute, what about all those decorations with Pilgrims and Indians and all the things we learned in school about Thanksgiving? According to Plymouth Plantation historians, that storyline started in the early 1900s. Why then? They claim it had something to do with two manuscripts that increased people’s interest in Plymouth (our modern spelling), Pilgrims, and the Wampanoag Indians.
The American school system chose to use Thanksgiving as a time to teach American freedom and citizenship to children. By the 20th century we had a set culinary expectation of what Thanksgiving required. In 1943 Norman Rockwell gave us his famous painting entitled, Freedom from Want, and the ideal Thanksgiving tradition was carved in stone.
Now you know the rest of the story. Or do you? I know our Thanksgiving usually consists of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry relish, corn, green bean casserole, rolls and pumpkin pie. My mother used to add sauerkraut, harvard or pickled beets, red cabbage and lima beans. Depending on where you live in the country, this list varies. But what did the Pilgrims eat?
According to a special on the History Channel their diet was a little different. They would have had things like cod, lobster, eels, oysters, clams, eagles, partridges, ducks, swans, geese, turkey, deer, wheat flour, Indian corn, pumpkins, carrots, grapes, beans, peas, onions, lettuce, chestnuts, walnuts and acorns. All of it lovingly prepared with seasonings from liverwort, parsnips, olive oil, and currants. Yum!
Next we look at how our own histories mixed with the national holiday. The result is your expectation of what Thanksgiving is and what it looks like.
So what’s on your table? And how much is on your table? Why did you choose the music, the decorations, the amount and type of food for Thanksgiving?
Is it a badge of honor to say you ate so much you have to unbuckle your pants? Is it worth having a meltdown if the rolls are slightly burnt? Do you have to do all the work or do you delegate?
How much of your holiday do you allow to happen vs. you trying to control it?
Are you responsible if someone doesn’t like your food or is not having a good time? Is the final revile of the Thanksgiving dinner and your sense of self worth tided together? If something happens and the entire meal is ruined, can you still rejoice because you have family and friends gathered together?
These are important questions that help you examine the things you do to prepare and implement Thanksgiving. You alone are in charge of what you think, what you do and how you feel.
The more fluid you are, the less stress you will feel.
Being more fluid means you’re going with the flow. When something happens, it might be disappointing but not catastrophic. The fluid person knows this, expects issues to happen and rolls with the punches.
It’s very easy during the holidays to get wrapped up and twisted in what the media shows us, our families and what our holidays should look like. We often assume every other family is having a Norman Rockwell picture. We forget the media has an agenda and also that nobody’s life is perfect.
So, if your Thanksgiving is not what you remembered when you were a child or you’re not able to provide the Thanksgiving dinner you would like to for your family, don’t sweat it. More than likely, your memories of what was or your dreams of what could be are seen through either rosy or blue tinted glasses. While it’s good to have expectations, goals and plans to make the day a memorable one, remember, you’re only human and your family will love you unconditionally; even if you’ve burned the turkey or dropped the green bean casserole on the floor and have to remake it. If you have a dysfunctional family, the kind that grumbles, argues, complains about everything and never gets along, your dinner unfortunately, is not going to change any of that. Work on that the rest of the 364 days of the year.
Last point: If mom or Aunt Busybody scrutinizes what you’re trying to accomplish and you feel like no matter what you do it’s not good enough, that’s not about you but about them. Give it back to them as a present. Don’t feel bad, don’t suck in the venom, keep telling yourself it’s not about them. Enjoy your day. Enjoy your family and friends. Live in the moment. Happy Thanksgiving!
The headline read: Toddlers found Amid Bloodbath. Four-year-old Amy and two-year-old Abbey (not their real names), had witnessed the murder/suicide of their parents. The girls were rescued a day later playing around their dead parents. The police were able to place the children with extended family thought they could cope. They were wrong.
Amy, once toilet-trained, started soiled her pants on a regular basis. Abbey started sucking her thumb and refused to leave her sister’s side. For reasons no one could understand, the two would suddenly become enraged and on one occasion Amy lunged at her uncle (the current guardian) with a kitchen knife lacerating his leg. Both girls asked frequently, when their parents were coming back. Amy on occasion, would become nauseated and vomit when she would walk in and see her aunt preparing raw meat for dinner. Neither girl slept well and night terrors accompanied with screams that woke the entire house occurred weekly. When they played, the themes were often violent with toys being destroyed and their behaviors escalating into physical fights between them. Abbey refused to be held, would cry a lot and bite herself. Amy refused to play with other children and her daycare provider said she sometimes resembled a trapped animal that lashed out when you tried to come near her.
Their home placement quickly became jeopardized as the already distraught family was not prepared for, nor did they understand, what was occurring. The result, the children ended up in foster care, with a family that had wonderful intentions but was not properly trained on what to expect from traumatized children, how to help them and how to cope.
From the family’s perspective the children should have been relieved and happy to be in a loving, caring environment. They became very confused and angered with the girl’s behavior did not match what they expected. They returned the children to the county for another placement. This happened several times before the girls ended up with a specialized foster care family who already had four special needs children.
The girls were seen by multiple counselors/therapists and doctors. Many of which did not have specialized training in helping children who have been traumatized. By the time the girls were ready to go to middle school, they were separated, living in different homes (the fifth for Amy and the eighth for Abbey), were promiscuous, hard to handle, occasionally heavily drugged by well-meaning doctors and their school performance was very poor with frequent suspensions.
This is a horrendous story. It is horrendous because the children experienced such a horror. Worse because no one knew information to help understand the natural reactions the children were having as a result of the events they experienced. By the time I got the case, years of compounded stress and trauma had to be unraveled.
There is an old myth that children are very resilient that they bounce back from adversity better than adults. Notice I said myth. Children are just as traumatized and reactive as adults to traumatic events. Children, however, often present different then their adult counterparts.
To the unaware adult, the child is acting out, being obstinate, not reacting to the events. The child typically is not able to sit down and tell you or debrief the events the way an adult can. Depending on their age, children are not able to verbally process the events and their meaning due to limited cognitive development. For example, children do not have a concrete understanding of death as being final until around age ten.
The case with Amy and Abbey is extreme; however, traumas do occur frequently to children. Divorce, child and domestic abuse, school bullying, parents who are involved in severe drug and alcohol abuse, deaths or serious illness in the family, loss of income of a parent, moving to a new school and home. All these and many more are examples of events that are very stressful and at times traumatic enough to cause severe reactions in a child.
It is important to anyone with a child who has or is currently stressful and/or traumatic or who work with children to understand the nature of trauma on a child to learn ways children express and process these events.
The brain acts like a movie camera during a traumatic event. It will record the images, sounds, smells and touch feelings associated with it. This occurs so the brain can figure out how to react for protection. Integrate this into the person to make sense of the event. How to self protect if it happens again or try to prevent it from happening again. The behaviors you see in a child are the outward manifestations of these attempts.
Here are some of the behaviors you may find in children coping with extreme stress and or trauma in their life.
Children will typically digress in their developmental levels (forget learned behaviors like toilet training, talk babyish, need stuffed animals to sleep, night lights, want more cuddle time, forget how to do skills learned in school)
Nightmares, night terrors, sleep walking, sleep talking, refusing to go to bed or sleep.
Refusing to eat, over eating, nauseated at certain foods, craving certain foods such as feel good foods, wanting a pacifier or bottle fed.
Refusing to go to the bathroom, soiling their clothing, smearing feces, obsessive masturbating.
Aggressive or violent behaviors, crying spells and tantrums.
A drop in school performance, decrease in grades, acting out in school, not wanting to go to school.
Moodiness, bursts of anger, crying spells, moppyness, laughing inappropriately, pulling out hair, twirling hair, pulling out eye lashes or eye brows, hurting themselves on purpose, clumsiness or accident prone.
Flashbacks (experiencing the trauma event as if it is currently happening), responding to things that remind them of events (the blood of raw meat for someone who witnessed a bloody event).
Promiscuousness, early involvement with smoking, drugs and alcohol, deviant behaviors, abuse of others, abuse of self, disrespect for adults or specific adults.
If extreme stresses or a traumatic event happens to your family, your child or a child in your care, note these reactions. Do not assume the child will manage without help. It is better to act as if need is eminent then to ignore the potential as behaviors of a child’s distress may not show up right away. It may take days or weeks to show. There are times where the child appears to do well and after they reach a more developed cognitive ability (the older they get) their mind will once again address what they experience and this is when you may see behaviors develop. The sooner the child is able to get help, the better things will be for them.
Use the services of school counselors, professional counselors/therapists (make sure they are trained in childhood trauma if trauma is the issue), a doctor’s care maybe necessary as well. Learn all you can about how severe stress and trauma affects children and incorporate this for the children in your care. If you are also a part of the extreme stress or trauma, remember that you are also struggling on various levels. Take care of yourself.
Extreme stress and trauma can occur in anyone’s life. Be prepared if you have or work with children. Know the signs and how to get help. The emotional health and well being of a child may depend on it.
Deborah Sickle Hill 