The Show Must Go On: Children Using Perfectionism & Performance to Cope with Trauma (Revised 2025)

The Show Must Go On: Children Using Perfectionism & Performance to Cope with Trauma.

by: Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)

Anna, age four, and Michael, age two (children’s names and ages were changed), were found in their home surrounded by blood and the dead bodies of their parents. At first, everyone understood the devastation these children experienced. Then there came a point where the notoriety wore off, and they were expected to act and feel like they behaved before—only they didn’t. They became super-kids—children who use perfection and performance to cope with trauma.

(I need to make two caveats. Trauma can be from a messy divorce, a close death in the family, or severe illness of the child or a parent, or a terrible car accident. The list can go on and on.  The second, not everyone who becomes a performer or perfectionist has trauma in their background.)

Super-kids are children who try to be overly helpful, compliant, or high-achieving to avoid upsetting someone, attempt to gain control of a situation, or feel safe and valued. They tend to take on adult roles or act older than their age, often described as having an old soul. They hide their emotions, appearing fine when inside they are struggling.

How does using perfectionism and performing help the child cope?

 1. It offers control in a chaotic world, rather than feeling helpless.

2. In many environments, love and safety feel conditional. A child may learn that being good, impressive, or entertaining earns approval or protection.

3. Performance and perfectionism can provide a powerful distraction from pain.

4. Instead of feeling inherently unworthy, they learn to find value in performance. 

5. They give the impression that the child can prevent anything from going wrong by staying ahead of the potential threat.

6. They give the child the feeling that they can control how others perceive them.

I want to emphasize that a child does not consciously choose which skills are necessary to survive. And the behaviors may not initially appear to be performance or perfection coping skills.

What a child wants is to feel safe, protected, and loved. They will do what they need to do, be it perfectionism or performance, to achieve that. The super-kid, is the one nobody expects to be ravaged with internal turmoil.

Important note: Trauma affects each child differently based on age, personality, support system, and type/duration of trauma. One child might act out aggressively; another might become extremely quiet and withdrawn. All trauma responses are adaptations—they made sense at the time the trauma occurred.

References for this blog:

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, Diane Poole Heller, The Power of Attachment, Richard C. Schwartz, No Bad Parts, Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery