Deborah Sickle Hill

Tag: self-help

  • Eliminate the Worrywart: Understanding and Managing Everyday Anxiety

    @ Deborah Hill

    Eliminate the Worrywart: Understanding and Managing Everyday Anxiety
    By Deborah Hill, LCSW (Ret.)

    “I had a big presentation today and was up all night worrying.”
    “I’m running late again—I’m afraid I’ll lose my job.”
    “I’m so worried about Jim’s health, I can’t eat.”

    Sound familiar? We all worry. But chronic worry is more than emotional discomfort—it’s a contributor to high blood pressure, digestive issues, insomnia, and even long-term health breakdowns. Some people literally worry themselves sick.

    Worry Is an Illusion of Control

    Worrying often feels like doing something—but it’s really just a poor attempt at control. When we worry, we unconsciously think:

    • “If I think hard enough, I can stop something bad from happening.”
    • “If I don’t worry, I’ll be unprepared or uncaring.”
    • “If I mentally run every possible outcome, I can force the right one.”

    None of that is true. A woman worrying in the waiting room during her husband’s surgery isn’t helping him heal—she’s draining her own energy. If she took a walk, grabbed coffee, or talked with a friend, the outcome wouldn’t change—but her resilience to face it would improve.

    Worry = Self-Induced Stress

    Unlike external stress (deadlines, illness, difficult people), worry is internal and voluntary. It places your body on red alert:

    • Muscles tense
    • Digestion slows
    • Heart rate and blood pressure rise
    • Adrenaline spikes
    • You lose sleep, focus, and peace

    Your body thinks it’s in battle mode. But there’s no enemy. Chronic worriers stay on this battlefield for years—until their body breaks down.

    Why We Worry

    Worry can stem from love, fear, or habit. People say, “If you love someone, you worry about them.” But love doesn’t require mental telepathy. It asks for care and presence—not obsessing over things you can’t control.

    The term “worrywart” makes sense. Left unchecked, worry grows and consumes. Like a wart on the body, it starts small but can overtake everything.

    How to Squash the Worrywart

    1. Recognize What Worry Is

    Worry is a thought loop aimed at controlling the uncontrollable. You’re trying to predict, prevent, or fix something—often using nothing but mental energy.

    2. Acknowledge You’re Not Telepathic

    You cannot control life, death, illness, or other people’s decisions by thinking hard enough. No one can. And that’s okay.

    3. Tune into Your Warning Signs

    Your body gives you early alerts—like a ship moving from green to yellow to red alert. Ask yourself:

    • Are my thoughts racing?
    • Do I feel tense or sick?
    • Am I imagining worst-case scenarios?

    Name it: “I’m worrying.” Awareness breaks the cycle.

    4. Ask: Can I Control This?

    If the answer is no, accept that. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you’re reclaiming energy for what is within your power.

    5. Turn Worry into Work

    ✦ Prayer or Reflection

    Prayer isn’t worry—it’s surrender. It can offer peace and perspective. If prayer’s not your thing, mindful reflection or meditation works too.

    ✦ Redirect Your Thoughts

    Change your environment: get up, move around, talk to someone, take a walk, or do something tactile. Worry often fades when we shift context.

    ✦ Focus Your Mental Beam

    Engage in hobbies or tasks that require concentration—baking, puzzles, gardening, music. Focus crowds out worry.

    ✦ Move Your Body

    Physical activity releases stress. You don’t need a gym membership. Dance in your kitchen, walk the dog, clean the garage. Use that fight-or-flight energy productively.

    ✦ Get Involved

    Channel worry into action:

    • Concerned about health? Research and prepare.
    • Afraid of crime? Join a community initiative.
    • Overwhelmed by a deadline? Learn time management or ask for help.

    The Energy Shift

    “I wish I had her energy—I feel so drained.”
    She may not have more energy, just fewer leaks. Chronic worry is an energy drain. When you stop trying to control what you can’t, that energy returns. You feel lighter. Healthier. Calmer.

    Bottom Line?

    Worry is optional. Learned behavior can be unlearned. Stop rehearsing disaster. Step away from the red alert. Reclaim your body, mind, and peace. It’s never too late to squash the worry wart.

  • Understanding and Fighting Trauma Triggers

    Understanding Triggers: PTSD, Trauma, and the Unexpected Connections

    By: Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)

    I’ve heard it said that death begets death. In other words, when you’re grieving—or helping someone who is—past losses often come rushing back. Old funerals, lingering memories, and unhealed wounds rise to the surface, uninvited.

    The same is true with trauma. When someone is navigating severe trauma, another person’s trauma can feel like a mirror, unexpectedly reflecting their own. That’s why I often advise my clients to be cautious with news broadcasts and certain TV shows or films. Until you’ve identified your own trauma triggers, you may unknowingly stumble into a scene too similar to your lived experience, and suddenly you’re not watching a story—you’re reliving your own.

    It’s tempting to think trauma triggers are obvious: Such as someone saying, “I experienced child abuse, so I’ll avoid media that deals with abuse.” But trauma imprints itself in the brain like a four-dimensional movie camera, recording not just the event but sights, smells, sounds, body sensations—even the temperature of the room. The obvious isn’t always what sets you off.

    .This is what makes living with PTSD so complex. Learning to recognize how trauma affects the brain is step one. Learning your own unique triggers is step two. From there, you begin the work of managing those triggers, lessening their power, and understanding your limits. Most importantly, you learn never to give up—not on your healing, and not on yourself.

    What To Do When You’re Triggered

    1. Ground Yourself.
    Take a mental roll call. Where are you? Who’s with you? Are you safe? Tell your brain: I’m in my living room. The curtains are green. I’m drinking Lemon Zinger tea. It may seem silly, but it sends your brain the message: This is now, not then.

    2. It’s Okay to Be Triggered.
    Triggers feel awful. They can cause intense physical, emotional, and even visual flashbacks. But once you’ve calmed down, don’t shame yourself. You reacted because your brain was doing its job—trying to keep you safe. Triggers are like smoke alarms; they may be oversensitive, but they exist for a reason.

    3. Become an Investigative Reporter.
    Keep a log. What were you doing, watching, or thinking when the trigger hit? What did you feel? What happened afterward? Over time, patterns emerge. Maybe it’s the sound of sirens or the scent of a certain food. Even if two people experience the same trauma, their triggers are uniquely personal.

    4. Bring Your Insights to Someone Who Can Help.
    Working with a trauma-informed therapist can make all the difference. Bring your log, your questions, your insights. You are the expert on your own experience. A good therapist isn’t there to “fix” you—they’re there to walk beside you, equipped with tools for the journey.

    Herman Melville once wrote in Moby Dick: “To the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.” He was writing about a man’s obsessive pursuit of a sea monster—but perhaps he was also writing about grappling with the monsters within.

    Living with PTSD is no less heroic.

  • When Life is not what you Dreamed

    @Deborah Hill

    When Life Isn’t What You Dreamed: How to Reconnect with Your True Needs and Wants

    Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)

    (3-minute read)

    At some point, nearly everyone looks back on life and wonders, How did I get here?
    What happened to the dreams, the plans, the “could have beens” and “should have beens”?

    The answer is simple to say—but often hard to accept:
    For the most part, we made choices that brought us to where we are now.

    That’s not to say we chose the traumas, losses, or catastrophes that blindsided us. No one chooses to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or thrown into crisis. But the choices we make afterward—the way we respond, the paths we follow—those decisions shape our journey.

    And when our choices take us further from the dreams we once had, we start to feel unbalanced, unsatisfied, or even angry.

    Why Do We Make the Choices We Do?

    Most of us choose what we think is best at the time. A child throws a tantrum to get candy, believing it will work. An adult gives the silent treatment over forgotten flowers, hoping to “teach a lesson” and feel valued next time.

    Sometimes we make reactive choices. Other times, we simply lack the information or emotional tools to choose differently.

    Take the example of a teen from a broken home who joins a gang. From the outside, it’s clearly not in his best interest. But with the limited knowledge and options he sees, it’s the closest thing to a family—offering belonging, respect, and protection.

    The “Quality World” We All Carry

    As we grow, we create a personal picture of what our ideal life looks like—our Quality World. In this internal landscape, all our needs and wants are met. We feel safe, loved, successful, joyful.

    Ideally, we spend our lives making choices that move us closer to that picture. But if we don’t fully understand our needs and wants—or the options available to us—we may veer off course.

    And here’s the truth:
    Your ideal picture is probably a fantasy. But beneath that fantasy lies something very real—your core needs and desires.

    A Practical Example

    Let’s say your Quality World includes owning a Maserati. But in reality, you’re driving a rusty old Ford.

    You probably can’t buy the Maserati—but ask yourself why you want it.
    Maybe it symbolizes success, admiration, adventure, freedom.
    Maybe what you really want is to feel noticed, valued, alive.

    When we understand the why beneath the fantasy, we can start finding real-world ways to fulfill those needs—without waiting on an impossible dream.

    How to Align Your Life with What You Truly Need

    Step 1: Discover the “why” behind your fantasy.
    Use your imagination. If there were no limits—what would your life look like? What does that dream say about what you truly want?
    (Example: “I want to be on a football team” → “I want belonging, excitement, shared purpose.”)

    Step 2: Explore realistic substitutes.
    You may not become a surgeon—but can you volunteer with the Red Cross? Become a first aid officer? Help people in ways that still honor your deeper needs?

    Step 3: Examine your current choices.
    Are they aligned with your needs and wants—or taking you further away from them?

    Step 4: (Corrected numbering)
    Take small steps toward a better fit.
    Set short- and long-term goals. Think of these goals as your rudders—they help steer your ship, even when waters are rough.

    Step 5: Evaluate regularly.
    Ask yourself:

    • What do I truly want and need?
    • What am I doing to get it?
    • Is it working?
    • What could I do differently?

    Final Thoughts

    You may never have the exact life you imagined—but you can build a life that meets your real needs, a life that feels meaningful, grounded, and authentic.

    It’s never too late to rewrite your story, one intentional choice at a time.