I see books all the time about the five types of relationship killers. It’s ashamed we stop at five because naming the top five may not hit on the bumps in a relationship. If you look at a lot of the social and psychological data on relationships, the list looks more like this. (Note these are not in order of most damaging to least. There is no way to do that as each entry has its own dimensions and they differ couple to couple).
Communication issues
Dependency vs independence
Money
Ineffective problem solving or arguments
Changes in sexual desire
Affairs/one night stands/porn/excessive flirting
Friends/family/in-laws
Life Stress: job/unemployment/death/chronic illness/sudden illness/mental illness/increase in responsibilities/aging/moving/life style changes
Habits/vices/addictions
Taking the other for granted
Rushing into a phase in the relationship too quickly: weddings/babies/retirement
Lack of trust
Lack of Intimacy: feeling like you have to hide who you are due to fear of being unlovable/ no physical intimacy (touching)/ feeling like you have to be someone else to be loved
Lack of care: feeling like you are not cared about or your partner does not understand you
Judgementalism: feeling like you are always scrutinized, you can’t do anything right or being perfectionist and believing you can’t do anything right.
Tests: partner sets up little tests to see if you pass and are worthy of trust/love
Unrealistic expectations: if this is love, why am I so miserable – expecting partner to meet or fix your inner emptiness or meet unrealistic expectations or fantasies
Lack of contributions in household, family responsibilities
Raising kids
Respect
Comfort levels
Different goals in life
Step parenting
Mistakes: shutting down due to fear of making a mistake, making things worse
Living in the past
What is important to know is that while these can range in metaphor as a splinter, dagger or serial stabbing.
What one couple sees as a serial stabbing another might see as a splinter. Why the difference and which couple is going to ride the wave and come out feeling connected? The quick and easy answer is in fluidity and commitment to the relationship.
Fluidity means the ability to bend and not brake, to see the whole picture and not hyper-focus on one detail. Think about your relationship as a porcelain bowl, for example. If you drop the bowl into a swimming pool full of water, it will get wet, but most likely will stay intact. If you drop it in the sand, depending on the height you drop it; it might stay intact or crack. If you drop it on concrete – it’s shattered – almost every time.
There are ways to make you more mindful – more fluid. Keep in mind, however, that you are only one person in a relationship. The strongest relationships have fluidity in both partners.
I’ve said before that ALL BEHAVIOR (Everything you think, feel, and do) is based on your experiences, perceptions, and your deepest needs.
We all have the same needs, but in different degrees. Someone may have strong love and belonging needs while another has strong survivalist needs.
To understand your behaviors, figure out which universal need is your strongest. In doing so, you can get an ah-ha about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. In doing this, you can open yourself up to new experiences and understanding to hopefully make healthy choices in your life to get your need(s) met. You can have more than one strong need.
EVERYONE HAS THE SAME NEEDS IN DIFFERENT DEGREES
Love and belonging
Power
Freedom
Fun
Survival
Purpose in life (spiritual)
Below are examples of behaviors you might see in someone with a high degree of need in a specific area. See if you can find yourself. Beside each behavior, place a number based on whether it fits you. At the end of each section, count up the points and see in what order your universal needs stack up. (These are ONLY SOME examples of typical behaviors)
Scoring:
1 = Not me at all
2 = Maybe relates to me but very rarely
3 = Relates to me but only under certain circumstances
4 = I do this more often than not
5 = This is me, no question
LOVE AND BELONGING
Enjoys social activities
Cooperative with others
Likes to belong to clubs, groups, community events
Seeks out friendships
Family is very important
Craves intimacy
Self esteem derived from what others think of them
Feel lonely and/or depressed if not involved in a greater cause or group
Strives to please others
Puts others needs before their own
Has many friends
Teacher’s/boss’s pet
Tends to be affectionate
More likely to be a follower then leader
Strives to find others needs and to fill them
High need to be liked by others
Hard time saying NO
Purpose in life is in ability to help others
POWER
High achiever
Competitive
Desires recognition for achievements/ skills
Strong will for self-worth
Needs to win at games
Needs to feel correct
Pride in completing challenging goals
Enjoys being highly skilled
Need to dominate situations/and or people
Over achiever
Involvement in political/social activist activities
Aggression
Involvement in behaviors that make the person feel stronger/invincible (excessive drinking, fighting, risk taking behaviors)
Wants to be influential
Need to be affiliated with other people at the top of their game
Desires to gain higher education to feel better about self
Sexually aggressive
Gives up family/friends to climb their career ladder
Has a hard time being told they are wrong
Prefers independent sports as opposed to team sports
FREEDOM
Desire to make their own choices
Does not want responsibilities to tie them down
Does not like to listen to people in authority
Strives to be their true selves regardless of consequence
Does not want to make commitments
Does not give in to peer pressure
Independent
Likes to choose their own path
Likes to be seen as outside the box
Likes to keep their opinions open and not make decisions
Craves spontaneity
Enjoy independent thinking and creativity
Not satisfied with other’s answers, needs to find things out on their own
Restrictions make them restless
Likes to be self-sufficient
Bores easy with daily routines
Relates to other’s needs for freedom
Creative expressionism
Does not do well maintaining or seeing need for planning
FUN
Likes to throw parties
Craves the energy of new/adventurous things
Likes to be around other people with common interests
Can be indiscriminate
Pleasure centered
Easily bored with daily routines
Does not take self/life too seriously
Enjoys playing but does not need to be competitive
Humorous
Willing to break tradition for fun, excitement, joy
Searches for humorous things/people/events
Can bore easily in long term relationships
Likes to travel to learn and experience new things
Creative for pleasure and not for completion of a project
Craves originality
Does not like confrontation
Enjoys learning in nontraditional ways
Can be seen as always on the go
Enjoyment of life is seen as most important
SURVIVAL
Fears for the future
Stores or hordes food/water/survival tools
Low trust of others/government
Fears losing their freedoms
Needs to feel prepared for anything
Typically very tense
Fears the unknown
Very observant
Instinctive
Self efficient
Can become impulsive, aggressive is threat of survival is challenged
Can be considered primitive in thinking/living (so busy concern about surviving all else is put to the side)
Strong ego, pits self against others
Can be seen as greedy
Needs things to be predictable to feel safe
Sees threats where others do not
Often intolerant of differences in other people or ways of living
Can have conspiracy based thinking
Feels insecure/anxious inside
PURPOSE DRIVEN (SPIRITUALITY)
Desires to be closer in relationship with higher being/power/element
Explores self/meaning of life
Needs purpose in life to feel whole
Can become judgmental and self-righteous
Can be religious/external doctrine focused
Can fears doing the wrong thing or for the wrong reason
Can be existential and altruistic
May break from tradition to explore other cultural spiritual practices
Maybe willing to give up much to gain spiritual wisdom
May have complex rituals of behavior to feel closer to a higher power or their true being
May seek out paranormal experiences or classify experiences as miracles, demonic or other worldly
May refuse to conform to society norm of religious or doctrine related thoughts, dictates
Can be more tolerant of differences in people and cultures then average person
May have experienced one or more profound mystical, paranormal or other worldly event
May seek out others who share similar experiences or views of life and/or a higher power
May seek and find spiritual values/meaning in life based on nature/science
May engage in experimental/chemical/risk taking behaviors to find a feelings of nirvana or out of body experience
Attempts to fill voids in life/past through higher thoughts/learning/spiritual education/practice
May extend need for meaning of one’s life to reason and causation for universe and life in general
Total scores:
Love and Belonging: _________
Power: _________
Freedom: __________
Fun: ___________
Survival: ____________
Purpose of Life (Spirituality): __________
Ask someone close to you to take the same quiz and compare the results. It may help explain why you gravitated toward them or why there are conflicts between the two of you.
Let’s say you have a strong love and belonging and someone else has a strong freedom need. Can you see how these two people might have misunderstandings and conflicts? Once you know the needs, why the person chooses the behaviors they do, it gives an opportunity to communicate to find a common ground that meets both needs.
** Information based on the work of Dr. William Glasser
Deborah Sickle Hill 