Wouldn’t it be nice if people came with instruction manuals?
Better yet—what if we came with our own?
Imagine how much easier relationships would be—both with ourselves and with others—if we had a clear set of directions to follow. You might be surprised to learn: you don’t need a 200-page manual. A couple of index cards would do.
That’s because the basics are simple. Unfortunately, most people never get taught them. So we end up walking through life with blinders on, trying one approach after another, hoping something sticks.
Take this example:
Someone gets angry and gives the silent treatment. Why? Because they believe the other person should know what they did wrong. The problem is—it solves nothing, gains nothing, and slowly chips away at the relationship. The more chips, the more dysfunction. Yet the behavior continues, often with confusion and surprise when the relationship sours.
Why do we do this?
Because no one gave us the index cards.
Here’s the first card:
1. People can only act and react (thinking, feeling, doing) based on what they know.
Sounds obvious, right? But if it were, we’d all be a lot gentler with each other.
Instead, we regularly expect others to respond the way we would, based on our experiences, our knowledge, and our perceptions (meanings).
Let’s look at a few examples:
Expectation:
“If you loved me, you’d bring me chocolate donuts with sprinkles.”
Reaction:
“I brought you flowers. I thought that meant I loved you. How was I supposed to know donuts meant love?”
Expectation:
“You should know better than to leave the oven in clean mode when leaving the house! Everyone knows that’s a fire risk!”
Reaction:
“I didn’t know that. I’ve never cleaned an oven before. How would I know it could catch fire?”
Expectation:
“Can’t you do anything right? You can’t even load the dishwasher correctly!”
Reaction:
“Is there a right way? I was just trying to help. You know what—next time, you do it.”
Want to be shocked? Try this:
Spend one full day paying attention to how often you expect someone to act or respond based on your knowledge. Count how many times you assume someone “should just know.”
Then, spend another day observing how you feel when others make the same assumption about you—expecting you to read their minds, meet their needs, or act in a way that makes sense only in their world.
You’ll start to see just how much of our conflict stems from this silent mismatch of expectations.
And one last thought:
Even if you’ve known someone your whole life, don’t assume they know what you know—or that they’ll process things the same way.
We’re all working without manuals.
Deborah Sickle Hill 