Deborah Sickle Hill

Tag: health

  • My Stress has Stress! Send Help!

    A stress is something in your environment that convinces your body to react as though it’s in danger.  It can be simple things such as new responsibilities at work, changes in your schedule, or ever stimulation such as overcrowding, too much light, too much noise.

    Stress can be Positive, Negative or Neutral. 

    Negative: It can quickly cause headaches, muscle tension, irritability, anxiety, and anger. Examples: Losing a job, health scares, being burgled, too many deadlines.

    Neutral stress typically has the slowest reactions, unless multiple stresses combine.  Examples: Finishing a project, moving to a new city, or a change in family dynamics.

    Relationships are like trees. When the storm of stress hits, it will either bend or snap. All relationships experience stress. You can’t avoid it.

    If you start out with the great relationship, increased stress will still put a strain on that relationship.  If you have a mediocre or poor relationship increased stress will make the road much rockier and possibly snap the relationship.

    The severity of the stress, the couple’s support system and how well they communicate will help determine how strong and healthy their relationship will be after the storm. Therefore, I always tell people they should have stress inoculation.

    Each person handles threats in a different way.  You may remember being taught that people either flee, fight, freeze or flop. Stress is experienced in the brain as a threat.

    Two people in the same situation can react completely differently from each other.

    Fleeing: One person in the relationship may need to take more walks alone or go out with friends more often.  This person is fleeing.  They need to escape the situation, even if only temporarily.  They feel if they don’t flee they will be unable to tolerate the situation.

    Fighting: Another person may start arguments, have tantrums, or start physical fights when they are stressed.  They may tell you they feel they’re up against the wall and need to react this way to protect themselves.  There really is no physical danger or need for protection, but their biology and past learning convinces them otherwise. These people are the fighters.

    Freeze: Another person will do nothing. These people become quiet, withdrawn and can’t handle having confrontations.  The more upsetting the stress around them the more they shut down.  These people are the freezers.

    Flop: Another person will flop.  Flopping means the person falls down or faints.  This usually occurs during times of extreme, sudden stress.

    Adrenaline fatigue is an example of flopping (burnout) can happen when a person experiences a long-term stressful environment. It manifests as extreme fatigue sometimes debilitating, and the person can’t function.   In time the body wears down and the person gets sick more often and in severe cases can cause or speed the rate of heart disease and death.

    So how can a person stress inoculate?

    Step one: remember stress happens it’s only a matter of when and what kind.

    Step two: know how you react to stress.  Are you a flopper, the fleer, a fighter, or someone who freezes?

    Step three: if you’re in a relationship, which of these reactions does your significant other use?

    Step four: acknowledge and accept that the way your significant other reacts does not have to be the way you react.

    Step five: develop good communication before stress hits.  If you’re already in the stress boat, take a timeout away from home in neutral territory where you can discuss the stress and how it affects each of you.

    Step six: do not bring other parties into your conflict.  This is not about he said, she said, he’s bad, she’s bad, I’m right, they’re wrong.  It’s about coping when you’re not your best or when loved ones are not at their best

    Step seven: do not make any life changing decisions while under extreme stress unless absolutely necessary.  You’re not in your normal thinking mind.  You’re in survival mode and the part of your brain that deals with rational thinking has taken a side seat to your primitive survival brain.

    Step eight: focus your thinking on elements in your life that currently give you joy.  There is no such thing as not having joy.  Joy is a way of looking at elements in your life that bring peace, appreciation, good healthy feelings if viewed in a positive light.  Find it and make it significant.

    Step nine: this too shall pass.  The outcome of a stressful event may not be positive but the events unfolding are moving in time as you are.  You’ll either make decisions for change to get in a better place or the events will change and there will be release.

    Step 10: after riding that storm of stress, sit down and evaluate how you reacted and how you both reacted as a team.  What worked, what needs tweaked and what needs changed to prepare for the next round.

    In the end I’d like to think that most people want their relationships to be healthy, happy and supportive.  Remember you are team. Even if you didn’t say the words, for better or worse, as part of a marriage ceremony or you have a committed relationship of any kind, the intent is implied.  If your relationship starts looking rocky, do a stress evaluation for both of you.  Do it together.  Remember, this too shall pass.

  • Mental Illness is NO Joke

    Mental Illness Is No Joke
    By Deborah Hill, LCSW (Ret.)

    Mental illness is a health condition that affects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—and makes everyday functioning harder. (NIH) Think: Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Schizophrenia, ADHD, and more.

    I often write about how we all make choices to meet our needs. But for those living with mental illness, that process can feel like walking through fog. Brain chemistry can distort reality and make even basic questions harder to answer:

    1. What do I want?
    2. What am I doing to get it?
    3. Is it working?
    4. Why or why not?
    5. What could I do instead?

    Mental illness isn’t a character flaw. It’s not weakness. It’s not “just in your head.” And it’s definitely not a joke.

    Working with a trained therapist can help untangle thoughts, challenge distorted beliefs, and build a life worth living—even if a cure isn’t possible.

    If you’re struggling, please know: You are not alone. You are not broken.
    And you can feel better—with help.

  • Eliminate the Worrywart: Understanding and Managing Everyday Anxiety

    @ Deborah Hill

    Eliminate the Worrywart: Understanding and Managing Everyday Anxiety
    By Deborah Hill, LCSW (Ret.)

    “I had a big presentation today and was up all night worrying.”
    “I’m running late again—I’m afraid I’ll lose my job.”
    “I’m so worried about Jim’s health, I can’t eat.”

    Sound familiar? We all worry. But chronic worry is more than emotional discomfort—it’s a contributor to high blood pressure, digestive issues, insomnia, and even long-term health breakdowns. Some people literally worry themselves sick.

    Worry Is an Illusion of Control

    Worrying often feels like doing something—but it’s really just a poor attempt at control. When we worry, we unconsciously think:

    • “If I think hard enough, I can stop something bad from happening.”
    • “If I don’t worry, I’ll be unprepared or uncaring.”
    • “If I mentally run every possible outcome, I can force the right one.”

    None of that is true. A woman worrying in the waiting room during her husband’s surgery isn’t helping him heal—she’s draining her own energy. If she took a walk, grabbed coffee, or talked with a friend, the outcome wouldn’t change—but her resilience to face it would improve.

    Worry = Self-Induced Stress

    Unlike external stress (deadlines, illness, difficult people), worry is internal and voluntary. It places your body on red alert:

    • Muscles tense
    • Digestion slows
    • Heart rate and blood pressure rise
    • Adrenaline spikes
    • You lose sleep, focus, and peace

    Your body thinks it’s in battle mode. But there’s no enemy. Chronic worriers stay on this battlefield for years—until their body breaks down.

    Why We Worry

    Worry can stem from love, fear, or habit. People say, “If you love someone, you worry about them.” But love doesn’t require mental telepathy. It asks for care and presence—not obsessing over things you can’t control.

    The term “worrywart” makes sense. Left unchecked, worry grows and consumes. Like a wart on the body, it starts small but can overtake everything.

    How to Squash the Worrywart

    1. Recognize What Worry Is

    Worry is a thought loop aimed at controlling the uncontrollable. You’re trying to predict, prevent, or fix something—often using nothing but mental energy.

    2. Acknowledge You’re Not Telepathic

    You cannot control life, death, illness, or other people’s decisions by thinking hard enough. No one can. And that’s okay.

    3. Tune into Your Warning Signs

    Your body gives you early alerts—like a ship moving from green to yellow to red alert. Ask yourself:

    • Are my thoughts racing?
    • Do I feel tense or sick?
    • Am I imagining worst-case scenarios?

    Name it: “I’m worrying.” Awareness breaks the cycle.

    4. Ask: Can I Control This?

    If the answer is no, accept that. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you’re reclaiming energy for what is within your power.

    5. Turn Worry into Work

    ✦ Prayer or Reflection

    Prayer isn’t worry—it’s surrender. It can offer peace and perspective. If prayer’s not your thing, mindful reflection or meditation works too.

    ✦ Redirect Your Thoughts

    Change your environment: get up, move around, talk to someone, take a walk, or do something tactile. Worry often fades when we shift context.

    ✦ Focus Your Mental Beam

    Engage in hobbies or tasks that require concentration—baking, puzzles, gardening, music. Focus crowds out worry.

    ✦ Move Your Body

    Physical activity releases stress. You don’t need a gym membership. Dance in your kitchen, walk the dog, clean the garage. Use that fight-or-flight energy productively.

    ✦ Get Involved

    Channel worry into action:

    • Concerned about health? Research and prepare.
    • Afraid of crime? Join a community initiative.
    • Overwhelmed by a deadline? Learn time management or ask for help.

    The Energy Shift

    “I wish I had her energy—I feel so drained.”
    She may not have more energy, just fewer leaks. Chronic worry is an energy drain. When you stop trying to control what you can’t, that energy returns. You feel lighter. Healthier. Calmer.

    Bottom Line?

    Worry is optional. Learned behavior can be unlearned. Stop rehearsing disaster. Step away from the red alert. Reclaim your body, mind, and peace. It’s never too late to squash the worry wart.

  • Sex and Pancakes

    @Deborah Hill

    Sex and Pancakes

    Craving Connection in a World of Instant Gratification

    By: Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)

    I like to unwind with reruns of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, that satirical hour somehow makes everything feel a little better.

    One episode featured a spoof on black-market Canadian maple syrup, comparing it to a drug cartel. The mock reporter—adamantly syrup-free—feared one taste would spiral him into addiction, crime, and sticky ruin. Naturally, he caved. The next thing you know: endless pancakes, missed work, shady street deals, and a full-blown syrup bender.

    I laughed out loud—then turned to my dog and said, “Damn, I wouldn’t mind some pancakes with syrup. Do we have any King Syrup?”

    King Syrup is the good stuff—thick, rich, slow to pour. My dad used to beg me to smuggle bottles down to Florida. You can’t get it there. He gets it. I get it. We’re syrup people.

    That night, I resisted. I had toast with peanut butter and milk in a blue Solo cup. Later, I played a few rounds of Bubble Mania, freeing kittens from bubbles (usually gratifying). But not that night. My mind was stuck on syrup.

    At 6:00 a.m., I woke up with one clear thought: Pancakes.

    I made a stack—instant mix, just add water. Three golden-brown discs with butter, warm and waiting. I pushed my work aside and gave them my full attention.

    With reverence, I poured the King Syrup (not Canadian, but Fredonia, NY—close enough?) and let it soak in. Not too long—you don’t want soggy regret. Then I ate, slowly, trying to channel the reporter’s syrup high.

    It didn’t work.

    What I got was 1,000 empty calories and the gnawing feeling that this wasn’t it. Not really.

    And then it hit me:
    What I wanted wasn’t pancakes or syrup.
    I wanted joy.
    I wanted connection.
    To feel loved, valued, seen.
    Maybe even touched. Perhaps even… sex. Or intimacy. Or something that told me I mattered.

    Sometimes, we crave comfort and reach for what’s easy—food, TV, a distraction—because it almost satisfies. It promises to fill the hole but leaves us emptier than before. We make choices that don’t serve us, not because we’re broken, but because we’re human and hungry for something deeper.

    The mind is tricky. Needs unfulfilled will find a workaround, even a ridiculous one. That Colbert sketch planted a seed. Logically, I knew pancakes weren’t the answer. But that night, syrup made sense.

    Is it any wonder our behavior can get a little wacky? That we gravitate toward something—or someone—that offers relief, even when we know better?

    What if we could pause in those moments and ask, “Is this really what I need?”

    What if we could yell STOP before that instant gratification derails something deeper?

    If you find yourself elbow-deep in pancakes and still feeling empty, it might be time to ask what you’re really craving.
    And maybe—just maybe—you’ll find a healthier, richer, more lasting way to feed that hunger.

    Bon appétit.

  • You’re Fine China–Not a Crushed Solo Cup

    Gone Mental ©Deborah HIll

    You’re Fine China—Not a Crushed Solo Cup

    by: Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)

    Many people live with chronic mental health conditions—depression, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, and more. These are real, brain-changing diagnoses that often require medication and therapy just to maintain a sense of “normal.” For some, the illness is severe enough that the old normal no longer applies. They’re left to build a new one from scratch.

    The same is true for those facing chronic or life-altering physical illness. They too must learn how to cope, adapt, and find a new way forward.

    I live with CPTSD, depression, and anxiety. Over the years—both personally and professionally—I’ve seen a pattern: we often see ourselves as broken pieces of china, trying desperately to glue the fragments back together. But at the same time, we treat ourselves like disposable red Solo cups—crushed under the weight of perceived failure, the loss of a “normal” life, self-blame, and anger toward ourselves, others, the universe, even God.

    It doesn’t have to be this way.

    We deserve better from ourselves. Healing is hard enough. Beating yourself up will only make it harder.

    If life has chipped or cracked your fine china, you have every right to grieve. You have every right to mend. But stop letting yourself—or others—treat you like a crushed plastic cup.

    Here are some ways to start reclaiming your worth:

    • Know your limitations—and respect them. Boundaries aren’t weakness; they’re wisdom.
    • Create a safe space. Whether physical or emotional, make a place where you’re untouchable.
    • Practice stress reduction. Listen to music. Meditate. Read. Walk in nature. Do what calms your nervous system.
    • Pay attention to your self-talk. Are you your own worst enemy? Are you constantly angry, hopeless, or stuck in shame?
    • Spend time with supportive people. Seek out those who lift you up, not tear you down.
    • Explore a spiritual practice. Remind yourself that you are more than this moment, this diagnosis, or this body. There is a bigger picture—and you are a meaningful part of it, even if you don’t fully see it yet.

    You are not broken.
    You are fine china—fragile, perhaps, but still beautiful. Still valuable. Still worth protecting.

  • A Day in the Life: Finding Stillness in a World on Hyper-Speed

    A Day in the Life: Finding Stillness in a World on Hyper-Speed
    Estimated Reading Time: 5–6 minutes

    By: Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)

    Found my coat and grabbed my hat, Made the bus in seconds flat.
    — The Beatles, “A Day in the Life”

    Even in 1967, Lennon and McCartney captured the frantic pulse of modern life. If that was fast forward, today we live in hyper-speed.

    People are burning out. Relationships are strained. Families falter. And for some, their most consistent companion is a phone, tablet, or video game.

    As a therapist, I’m often asked how to navigate this constant rush—too many responsibilities, too many places to be, and never enough time. Any crisis or transition throws the entire system into chaos. The answer I offer, tailored slightly per person, always returns to the same foundation. It’s simple to say—but practicing it is where the shift begins.

    Pay Attention. Be Aware. Have Acceptance, Be Mindful.

    Pay attention—to you. What are you doing and why? What drives your schedule, your responsibilities, your pace? Are you someone who can’t say no? Are you trying to impress someone—a parent, a boss, a partner? Are you afraid of what will happen if you slow down? Are you overcompensating for something, giving your kids everything you didn’t have, believing more is better?

    What drives you? What behaviors are rooted in that drive? Are they healthy—or are they draining the life out of you?

    Be aware. Notice the patterns that keep failing you. Staying up too late and feeling terrible in the morning? Grabbing a double espresso and then snapping at your coworkers? Signing your kids up for everything and ending up exhausted in a carpool circuit? Maybe you’re a creative soul forcing yourself into a rigid, linear mold without the tools to cope.

    We all have mindless behaviors—habits that keep us spinning. Take a few quiet moments each day. You don’t need an hour. Just enough to notice what you do on autopilot. Ask yourself: Is there a better way?

    And then, own your thoughts, your choices, your life. Blaming someone else for your reactions only prolongs the cycle. Your inner world belongs to you.

    Have acceptance. This is your life, as it is today. Maybe it’s messy. Maybe it’s far from what you planned. But it’s yours.

    Even if tragedy or trauma shaped it, what you do with that shape is up to you. Accept the parts you cannot change. Let go of gossip, comparison, chronic complaining—none of these lighten the load. They only muddy the mind.

    Drop the self-judgment. Words like should, must, bad, stupid, failure—they weigh more than you think. They don’t motivate, they demoralize. When something isn’t working, accept it. Then do what you can with what you have, right now. This moment is all you’re guaranteed.

    Angry at the driver going slow in front of you? That’s your problem, not theirs. Maybe your own rush caused the tight squeeze in the first place. Breathe. Let it go.

    Be mindful, not mindless. Find meaning in small things. Even in hardship, there’s often one thing worth noticing—worth being present for.

    Take five minutes today. Sit somewhere quiet—preferably in nature. Listen. Smell. Feel. See. Let stillness enter the storm. Know that peace is available, but it begins within.

    Ask yourself: What do I truly want? Is there a gap between that and what I’m doing? Then, gently begin to close the gap.

    This is your life. No one else can live it. Own it. Shape it. Live it.

    (If you are having life concerns and need help, I suggest you find a therapist in your area to help)

  • Who Are You? Quiz Time!

    Everyone of us is need based:

    I’ve said before that ALL BEHAVIOR (Everything you think, feel, and do) is based on your experiences, perceptions, and your deepest needs.

    We all have the same needs, but in different degrees. Someone may have strong love and belonging needs while another has strong survivalist needs.

    To understand your behaviors, figure out which universal need is your strongest. In doing so, you can get an ah-ha about your thoughts, feelings, and actions. In doing this, you can open yourself up to new experiences and understanding to hopefully make healthy choices in your life to get your need(s) met. You can have more than one strong need.

    EVERYONE HAS THE SAME NEEDS IN DIFFERENT DEGREES

     Love and belonging

    Power

    Freedom

    Fun

    Survival

    Purpose in life (spiritual)

     Below are examples of behaviors you might see in someone with a high degree of need in a specific area.  See if you can find yourself. Beside each behavior, place a number based on whether it fits you. At the end of each section, count up the points and see in what order your universal needs stack up.  (These are ONLY SOME examples of typical behaviors)

      Scoring:

    1 = Not me at all

    2 = Maybe relates to me but very rarely

    3 = Relates to me but only under certain circumstances

    4 = I do this more often than not

    5 = This is me, no question

    LOVE AND BELONGING 
    Enjoys social activities 
    Cooperative with others 
    Likes to belong to clubs, groups, community events 
    Seeks out friendships 
    Family is very important 
    Craves intimacy 
    Self esteem derived from what others think of them 
    Feel lonely and/or depressed if not involved in a greater cause or group 
    Strives to please others 
    Puts others needs before their own 
    Has many friends 
    Teacher’s/boss’s pet 
    Tends to be affectionate 
    More likely to be a follower then leader 
    Strives to find others needs and to fill them 
    High need to be liked by others 
    Hard time saying NO 
    Purpose in life is in ability to help others 
    POWER 
    High achiever 
    Competitive 
    Desires recognition for achievements/ skills 
    Strong will for self-worth 
    Needs to win at games 
    Needs to feel correct 
    Pride in completing challenging goals 
    Enjoys being highly skilled 
    Need to dominate situations/and or people 
    Over achiever 
    Involvement in political/social activist activities 
    Aggression 
    Involvement in behaviors that make the person feel stronger/invincible (excessive drinking, fighting, risk taking behaviors)   
    Wants to be influential 
    Need to be affiliated with other people at the top of their game 
    Desires to gain higher education to feel better about self 
    Sexually aggressive 
    Gives up family/friends to climb their career ladder 
    Has a hard time being told they are wrong 
    Prefers independent sports as opposed to team sports 
    FREEDOM 
    Desire to make their own choices 
    Does not want responsibilities  to tie them down 
    Does not like to listen to people in authority 
    Strives to be their true selves regardless of consequence 
    Does not want to make commitments 
    Does not give in to peer pressure 
    Independent 
    Likes to choose their own path 
    Likes to be seen as outside the box 
    Likes to keep their opinions open and not make decisions 
    Craves spontaneity 
    Enjoy independent thinking and creativity 
    Not satisfied with other’s answers, needs to find things out on their own 
    Restrictions make them restless 
    Likes to be self-sufficient 
    Bores easy with daily routines 
    Relates to other’s needs for freedom 
    Creative expressionism 
    Does not do well maintaining or seeing need for planning 
         
     FUN 
    Likes to throw parties 
    Craves the energy of new/adventurous things 
    Likes to be around other people with common interests 
    Can be indiscriminate  
    Pleasure centered 
    Easily bored with daily routines 
    Does not take self/life too seriously 
    Enjoys playing but does not need to be competitive 
    Humorous 
    Willing to break tradition for fun, excitement, joy  
    Searches for humorous things/people/events 
    Can bore easily in long term relationships 
    Likes to travel to learn and experience new things 
    Creative for pleasure and not for completion of a project 
    Craves originality 
    Does not like confrontation 
    Enjoys learning in nontraditional ways 
    Can be seen as always on the go 
    Enjoyment of life is seen as most important 
    SURVIVAL 
    Fears for the future 
    Stores or hordes food/water/survival tools 
    Low trust of others/government 
    Fears losing their freedoms 
    Needs to feel prepared for anything 
    Typically very tense 
    Fears the unknown 
    Very observant 
    Instinctive 
    Self efficient 
    Can become impulsive, aggressive is threat of survival is challenged 
    Can be considered primitive in thinking/living (so busy concern about surviving all else is put to the side) 
    Strong ego, pits self against others 
    Can be seen as greedy 
    Needs things to be predictable to feel safe 
    Sees threats where others do not 
    Often intolerant of differences in other people or ways of living 
    Can have conspiracy based thinking 
    Feels insecure/anxious inside 
    PURPOSE DRIVEN (SPIRITUALITY) 
    Desires to be closer in relationship with higher being/power/element 
    Explores self/meaning of life 
    Needs purpose in life to feel whole 
    Can become judgmental and self-righteous 
    Can be religious/external doctrine focused 
    Can fears doing the wrong thing or for the wrong reason 
    Can  be existential and altruistic 
    May break from tradition to explore other cultural spiritual practices 
    Maybe willing to give up much to gain spiritual wisdom 
    May have complex rituals of behavior to feel closer to a higher power or their true being 
     May seek out paranormal experiences or classify experiences as miracles, demonic or other worldly 
    May refuse to conform to society norm of religious or doctrine related thoughts, dictates 
    Can be more tolerant of differences in people and cultures then average person 
    May have experienced one or more profound mystical, paranormal or other worldly event 
    May seek out others who share similar experiences or views of life and/or  a higher power 
    May seek and find spiritual values/meaning in life based on nature/science 
    May engage in experimental/chemical/risk taking behaviors to find a feelings of nirvana or out of body experience   
    Attempts to fill voids in life/past through higher thoughts/learning/spiritual education/practice 
    May extend need for meaning of  one’s life to reason and causation for universe and life in general 

     Total scores:

     Love and Belonging: _________

     Power: _________

     Freedom: __________

     Fun: ___________

     Survival: ____________

     Purpose of Life (Spirituality): __________

    Ask someone close to you to take the same quiz and compare the results. It may help explain why you gravitated toward them or why there are conflicts between the two of you.

    Let’s say you have a strong love and belonging and someone else has a strong freedom need. Can you see how these two people might have misunderstandings and conflicts? Once you know the needs, why the person chooses the behaviors they do, it gives an opportunity to communicate to find a common ground that meets both needs.

     ** Information based on the work of Dr. William Glasser

  • Anyone See Where I Left My Scalpel? Now That’s A Brush With Reality!

    Its 11:11, an hour and ten minutes into my daughter’s five hour spine surgery. I’m sitting with her fiancé, a menagerie of electronic devices to keep me entertained and a fully charged cell phone.

     I’m on level 33 in the game Candy Crush and fiancé is on level 65, not that it’s a competition. Steve Harvey is on the television chattering away about Jack Russell Terriers. I have one of those.  Chicken-dog we call him due to his un-bounding ability to find the most minuscule piece of chicken bone from the trash. No one in the room seems to notice the television exists. No one cares that I have a chicken-dog at home or why I’m sitting in this artificial environment called a waiting room.  I however, cannot say the same about my feelings toward the other people in the room.

    I hear snippets of conversations, small windows into the lives of others, small dramas in adult human packages.  She did well, you can go back; He had problems and will be in recovery another hour; I’ve been here all night and I got a parking ticket; I’m sorry, we need to talk to you in private. Things didn’t go as expected.  This is what I am currently calling my reality.

    I’ve heard that word in different contexts lately making me wonder, what is reality?

    Outside the hospital walls, people continue to rush around grabbing coffee, the latest news, the morning dead-lock on I-83, pushing their kids onto school buses. In here I sit and wonder why it’s taking me so many attempts to get past level 33 in Candy Crush and what fiancé knows that I don’t.  Its easier then thinking that the woman I once spent forty-two hours giving birth to is lying on a table being flayed by a man I’ve met only once.

    Okay, maybe flayed is not the most accurate word. No correct that, this is what I feel, so it is the exact word for my current reality. What is reality? How can my reality consist of one way of life and the next day be completely alien from the day before? Are they the same? Is my reality the same as someone in a country where there is no electricity and my daily existence is spent finding food and fresh water?

    My first inclination is to say, no, they are not the same reality. How can they be? When I think about the veterans returning home after active duty, I think the same thing. How do they wrap their heads around the life they lived overseas in war zones too returning home to, hey, the neighbor cut the hedge too short?  Do something about that.

    My second inclination is to say; yes it is the same reality, only different facets. As quantum physics contemplates the ramifications of string theory, (alternate dimensions in time and space) I think I’ll view reality as a large, loosely woven textile. Twisted, strands of cotton into yarn blended together and the fibers criss-crossing, under and over each other. You pull one string and the whole thing wobbles or comes undone.

    There is a large family in the hallway outside the trauma intensive care ward. From their faces I can tell they are sitting on the edge of threads coming undone if not completely ripped. I make eye contact with their pleading, empty eyes. I can almost hear the word, why, from their minds. Why did this thread have to snag or be cut? I don’t have an answer.

    It’s surreal to see. Daughter’s fiancé and I are walking down the hallway toward the hospital cafeteria. He’s talking about a stock car race and the amount of hours they give him at work. I am flashing back to when I was in the trauma intensive care ward down at Shock Trauma in Baltimore. I can smell the alcohol and hear the doctors and nurses talking as they filleted me open to save my life. I never lost consciousness till the end.

    Daughter’s fiancé does not know my reality just sharply changed course on that textile of life. Nor do I think he caught how close we both just walked around another reality sharply snagged and unraveling as we passed that family in the hallway. A chill goes down my own spine. My spine, intact, closed within the confines of my muscles and skin. I flash to my daughter lying there in surgery.

    Do you think a doctor ever left a tool or cotton wad in someone, I hear someone say while in the cafeteria line. I’m trying to decide on a nice, healthy fish or a piece of cake. I pick up the cake and another cup of really bad coffee. I know medical issues like these happen more times than we might want to think about. After all, we are only human. All on that same piece of fabric that twists and turns under our feet.

    If a surgeon is having a fight with his spouse or had a minor accident on the way to work, do they take that energy into the operating room? Do they get as scatter-brained as I do when things knock me off my routine? If I were surgeon, on days like that, I’d lose my scalpel in someone for sure.

    I can’t handle thoughts like that right now. I grab a second piece of cake in case the first piece is not enough comfort food. I notice fiancé has grabbed three times his normal amount of food for lunch. Nerves, I tell myself. Maybe, he is closer to the unraveled part of the textile then I think.

    Do any of us really know where in reality we are? I don’t have any answers to this either. This cake is really moist; I wonder if they bake it here?

    The nurse tells us my daughter came through surgery well. I sigh in relief. My section of the textile is still raveled and I’m pretty sure the surgeon still has his scalpel. Not a bad day overall.

  • Houston, We Have A Problem

    The oh sh-t moment when life goes from wonderful to dread and we have to act fast. We all have them. Sometimes we handle the situation well and other times, well, we ponder for decades what we could have done differently. Can a person truly be prepared for those problematic moments?

    We are all basically hard wired the same way. Note the word basically. It is rare in life when things are one-hundred percent. There are four things we are programmed to do in emergencies. They are flee, fight, freeze or flop. Pretty easy to understand. To flee is to run away from the situation. To fight is to attack the situation head-on. To freeze is to become paralyzed and not able to do much of anything. To flop is to faint.

    Which of these tactics a person picks may be the same in all emergencies or can change depending on the circumstances. A woman who suddenly has the strength to lift a car off her child (to fight), might not attack an intruder inside her home. Can we know in advance which behavior we will chose?

    Hard to say. The military trains our troops by using repetition. Instilling into them, this is what you do in the following situation. The lives of these people depend upon it. Firefighters, police officers and all other careers where lives are at stake do the same thing. But even then not everyone is able to follow that programming when needed. Why not?

    It comes back to all our past experiences. Those experiences become chemical memories in our brains. When a situation occurs similar to a past situation, the brain compares it and acts based on what worked before. No matter how much training a person has, there are times the old experiences will over-ride the current situation. Why? Because, training that your life is in danger is very different from it truly being in danger.

    Having said that, there are times, sometimes humorously, when our reactions are way off the mark. Like the picture above where the caveman is using a club to put out a fire. The fire extinguisher is right beside him. This is where feelings step in. Fear, panic and anxiety all play a role in how effective we will behave in an emergency.

    Stress produces the same type of reaction. The brain thinks there is a problem. It is either a possible emergency or real emergency and tells us to react. As a result our reactions maybe over the top for the situation. Think about the person who gets road rage because he/she is running late and the person in front is going the speed limit.

    Next time you know you are feeling stressed and you find yourself over-reacting (flee, fight, freeze or flop), try to pull yourself together and regroup before reacting. Good questions would be, why am I reacting this way? Is the danger real? How realistic is my thinking? The one I like the best comes from my husband. He says to me, “I think you are reacting to things not in evidence.” Meaning, I’ve either got the cart before the horse or I believe I know what is going to happen without having a crystal ball.

    None of us have true knowledge of the future but some of us think we do and base much of our choices and behaviors on this illusion. It can’t be done.

    Here’s hoping you have a reaction appropriate day.

  • 54,500 Sheep

    I’d love to sleep the hours I believe most Americans sleep. To be part of the: to bed at eleven, seven to eight hour sleep period and wake refreshed at six or seven a.m. people.

    I’d love to sleep like this, but I can’t. Doctors have tried numerous over-the-counter and prescription aids. I’ve read multiple books on healthy sleep habits. I’ve used a sound machine, played a video of the ocean, ear phones and meditation music, hugged a stuffed animal. My diet was changed. I stopped drinking caffeine and alternated the temperature of my bedroom. Exercise, yep, I’m doing it. Meditation is great but not for my insomnia. I’m not sitting awake worrying. My life is going well. Nothing works. AHHHHH!

    I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in 1981. Truth be known, I actually have Complex PTSD although at the time they didn’t have that diagnosis. The hows and whys of this are not important for this writing. I’m telling you this because it and some wacky thinking on my part are the reasons for my insomnia.

    I am so hyper-vigilant (on edge waiting for something inevitably horrible to happen) that any noise or movement jolts me awake with a startle. Then I’m up for several hours until I can no longer keep my eyes open. With any luck, I will return to some kind of sleep. Some nights this cycle takes an hour or two, other nights I’m up all night.

    The less sleep I get the more my thinking becomes derailed. Things that normally would not bother me become monumental. I start taking things more personally and become defensive. Skills and determination take a sharp decline and old thoughts of self-doubt and self-scrutiny flourish and will spiral out of control if I don’t intervene.

    I’ve tried many techniques and mild to wacky interventions to help me or force me to sleep. Occasionally, I think I’ve hit the right combination of circumstance, rituals and mind-set only to find it was all a fluke. I can blame my mattress, my hubby, the cat, the noise level in the room, hormones or any number of elements. While some of this is probably a contributing factor the end result is me and a need to find a way within myself to work with who I am now in a non-judgmental way.

    Sleep eludes me. So I try to spin it positive. The house is quiet, I can write. There is time to process my day and goals for the future. There is quality time with my cat. All nice things but sleep would be greatly appreciated.

    So, I am curious both as an insomniac and a therapist, what have you tried when facing insomnia? Did it work?

    Maybe there are some techniques or home reminds I’m not familiar with. If you have any I’d love to compile them for anyone who needs aid. Myself included. Sweet dreams!