Why We Do What We Do (Even When It Doesn’t Make Sense)

Let’s continue the conversation about how to build healthier relationships—with others and with yourself.

Here’s a powerful truth to sit with:

Everything we think, feel, or do is based on what we believe is in our best interest at the time.
Even when it looks like the exact opposite.

That’s a hard concept to swallow—especially when we think about someone staying in an abusive relationship, joining a gang, getting hooked on drugs, or constantly procrastinating. Even in these situations, the person believes—on some level—that their actions are helping them survive, cope, or meet a deep emotional need.

We all do things that aren’t in our best interest sometimes. That’s human. (And if you think you never do, you may want to call a mental health provider. Just saying.)

So why do we act against our own well-being?

It comes down to how our brains are “programmed.”

Think of your brain like a computer. It only works based on the data it’s been fed. You were born with some basic instincts—crying when hungry, searching for comfort—but most of your programming came from your parents, your environment, school, relationships, and everything you’ve experienced since birth.

And the earlier that programming is installed, the deeper it runs.

Let’s say Joe is a warm, affectionate guy who grew up in a cold, distant home. His inner radar is now tuned to search for love and connection—sometimes in all the wrong places. If his need is strong enough, he might even engage in risky or self-destructive behaviors just to feel loved or valued.

Our brains are always scanning for ways to meet our needs, just like we search for a deal on ground beef or the right words to win an argument. Every choice we make—whether we eat a salad or grab a Big Mac—is based on our filters and beliefs about what will help us feel better, safer, happier, or more in control.

So here’s your challenge:
Pause today and ask yourself why you’re doing (or not doing) something.

• Why did you hold the door for someone?
• Why did you snap at your spouse?
• Why are you running late again?
• Why are you reading this blog?

Every action has a deeper motivation, even if it’s buried.

Let me give you an example:
You’re late for work, exhausted, and have to give a big presentation. You know espresso makes you jittery, but you drink one anyway—and sure enough, you flub the presentation.

Why did you drink it? Not just because you were tired.

Dig deeper. Maybe you were desperate to impress, hoping for a promotion. Why? Because you want to be seen as a good provider. Why? Because you want your family to love and respect you. Boom. That’s the real reason.

But here’s the twist: What if chasing that promotion makes you less available to your family? What if it leaves you feeling even less loved?

It’s time to ask the bigger question: What does love really look like to me?
And are my current actions bringing me closer to it—or pushing it away?

You don’t have to have all the answers. But if you can recognize your deeper needs, question your beliefs, and stay open to new perspectives—you can begin to make healthier, more intentional choices.

And always remember:
Sometimes, the choice that seems irrational to others is the best a person can do in that moment—especially when survival is on the line.