When Life Isn’t What You Dreamed: How to Reconnect with Your True Needs and Wants
Deborah Hill LCSW (Ret.)
(3-minute read)
At some point, nearly everyone looks back on life and wonders, How did I get here?
What happened to the dreams, the plans, the “could have beens” and “should have beens”?
The answer is simple to say—but often hard to accept:
For the most part, we made choices that brought us to where we are now.
That’s not to say we chose the traumas, losses, or catastrophes that blindsided us. No one chooses to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or thrown into crisis. But the choices we make afterward—the way we respond, the paths we follow—those decisions shape our journey.
And when our choices take us further from the dreams we once had, we start to feel unbalanced, unsatisfied, or even angry.
Why Do We Make the Choices We Do?
Most of us choose what we think is best at the time. A child throws a tantrum to get candy, believing it will work. An adult gives the silent treatment over forgotten flowers, hoping to “teach a lesson” and feel valued next time.
Sometimes we make reactive choices. Other times, we simply lack the information or emotional tools to choose differently.
Take the example of a teen from a broken home who joins a gang. From the outside, it’s clearly not in his best interest. But with the limited knowledge and options he sees, it’s the closest thing to a family—offering belonging, respect, and protection.
The “Quality World” We All Carry
As we grow, we create a personal picture of what our ideal life looks like—our Quality World. In this internal landscape, all our needs and wants are met. We feel safe, loved, successful, joyful.
Ideally, we spend our lives making choices that move us closer to that picture. But if we don’t fully understand our needs and wants—or the options available to us—we may veer off course.
And here’s the truth:
Your ideal picture is probably a fantasy. But beneath that fantasy lies something very real—your core needs and desires.
A Practical Example
Let’s say your Quality World includes owning a Maserati. But in reality, you’re driving a rusty old Ford.
You probably can’t buy the Maserati—but ask yourself why you want it.
Maybe it symbolizes success, admiration, adventure, freedom.
Maybe what you really want is to feel noticed, valued, alive.
When we understand the why beneath the fantasy, we can start finding real-world ways to fulfill those needs—without waiting on an impossible dream.
How to Align Your Life with What You Truly Need
Step 1: Discover the “why” behind your fantasy.
Use your imagination. If there were no limits—what would your life look like? What does that dream say about what you truly want?
(Example: “I want to be on a football team” → “I want belonging, excitement, shared purpose.”)
Step 2: Explore realistic substitutes.
You may not become a surgeon—but can you volunteer with the Red Cross? Become a first aid officer? Help people in ways that still honor your deeper needs?
Step 3: Examine your current choices.
Are they aligned with your needs and wants—or taking you further away from them?
Step 4: (Corrected numbering)
Take small steps toward a better fit.
Set short- and long-term goals. Think of these goals as your rudders—they help steer your ship, even when waters are rough.
Step 5: Evaluate regularly.
Ask yourself:
- What do I truly want and need?
- What am I doing to get it?
- Is it working?
- What could I do differently?
Final Thoughts
You may never have the exact life you imagined—but you can build a life that meets your real needs, a life that feels meaningful, grounded, and authentic.
It’s never too late to rewrite your story, one intentional choice at a time.
Deborah Sickle Hill 
What’s on your mind?